Bye Bye Doormie!

Well today was officially the Dormouse's last day.

Kind of rough as we were as busy as always - we never really got to sit and enjoy our last lunch together. Tomorrow she starts at the elementary school. I wish her all the luck in the world. I will miss her terribly but at the same time I am happy she was able to get the heck out of Wonderland. Since I last wrote, let's just say Wonderland has gone from mad to insane!

Where Are You Going? Where Have You Been?

I think I am at that point in my life. You know the one? Where your just not sure if the choices you made in life were all the right ones?

WARNING: This will probably be one of those whiner moments that happen frequently inside the blogging world!

It's not that I don't like my life; I do. I just can't stand parts of it.

Work: I am not sure what to do about work. In the past, I never questioned my job. I loved it. While there were things I didn't enjoy, for the most part I actually looked forward to going to work every day. Work was fun. I enjoyed the people I worked with. I enjoyed the kids. I enjoyed the books. Now it has become a chore. Now I know this is true for many people and I should just sucked it up but I am having a really difficult time doing that. I WANT to enjoy my job. The love affair is over.

Marriage: I love my husband but I think we are facing a rut. Part of the difficulty is me. I know that. It's not easy to live with me and all my "baggage" - which includes an insane family, The Red King in all his glory, and a complicated but caring "college" roommate. Now, I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. While giving the "baggage" a name doesn't change that I have always been like that, I guess I just long for a little more support from him. Now that we know there IS a problem, I am trying really hard to work on it. I don't feel as if there is much "change" on his end. I know that he refuses to treat me differently and I guess that's a good thing. Still, I'm not sure.

Cindy's wedding: This is not something I am dissatisfied with. I am excited for her and glad to be a part. I wish I had been able to be there for her more during the events leading to this happy day. I wish she was closer. I do miss her. In fact, this category should be -

Friends: I wish I had my closest friends closer - I mean in distance. We are all so spread out, and life just keeps stepping in to make us busy. Yes, we have our online time playing COH. For that I am thankful, but even that has been far apart lately. Again, life has kept us all busy.

COH: I LOVE this game. In fact, with all the stress in my life right now, sometimes all I can think about is the game. This is a HUGE problem with J. It bothers him that I spend so much time online. It has become more of an issue in our marriage than money ever was. I wish he had some interest outside of me. I guess I should be thankful that after 11 years together he still finds me interesting but you can have too much of a good thing.

Books: Can't believe I am saying this - Don't know and don't care. It's all been crap lately anyway.

Family: I love them. I hate them. I miss them. I think I am home sick.

Maybe it's just depression setting in. Maybe it's an age thing. I don't honestly know. I am past caring, this is what the stress has done to me. It scares me.

Life As We Know It.

So life as I know it has gone to hell in a handbasket. Sometimes stress is the great equalizer and I just can't deal. Here is life so far.

• Cindy's wedding is approaching. This is a good thing, except when you take into account that I was a complete idiot and ordered the wrong size top for my bridesmaid's dress. Crisis was averted. I ended up ordering another top of the rack from California. Now I have never been to California, but my top is a native of. I know she has many people coming and many from far away. I am willing to bet money my top gets to be one of the furthest attendants going to her wedding. LOL. There was panic there, let me assure you. I should have great shoes though.
• Work has been. . .unpleasant. I have never longed for a school year to end so quickly as I am praying for this one to end. Between budget issues and red tape, there aren't enough sick days in a school year.
• My Great-Aunt is in the hospital. I have always had this overwhelming concern about her living alone in Queens. She's 93 years old. About 4 weeks ago, she went missing. She was in the hospital but none of the family knew. She has no children of her own and her husband died back in the late 80s. Her sister, my grandmother, is now living in Florida near my dad and uncle. Grandma has dementia setting in. I worry who will care for our Great-Aunt. Makes me worry about the future. You spend you whole life caring for other people, just to end up alone. She didn't contact anyone because she didn't want to worry us. I don't know. I think I was more worried when we couldn't find her.

Can't wait to put this year behind us.

When It Rains Does It Really Pour?

So the Nor'easter hit us on Sunday, only Cindy would have a fabulous bridal shower in the storm of the season! Everyone got home safe and had a good time. It was the evening hours that seemed to bring the biggest problems. It would of course, because of high tide.

Being in coastal towns, your always a bit aware that flooding may be a problem. Since I grew up in Long Island and now live in Connecticut near the sound, I am always acutely aware of flooding. There were many evacuations in the coastal towns, our town even blew there air sirens. The brook near our home started to fill the park. We even saw a transformer blow near the police station. The whole area on the other side of the park was plunged into darkness. It was so bad, I even got to stay home from work because the town I work in was hit hard. Evacuations and shelters were mandatory in some areas.

One of the hardest hit areas was Westchester County, where our college is located. My sympathies go out to Bo. I realize this must have been a huge headache for her as head of security for the college. She was missed last night while the rest of us played COH and saved the world. (I swear I am not gloating Bo, my thoughts were with you but my gaming addiction runs deep). In fact, I thought of Bo a lot yesterday while we were playing. the Nor'easter may have flooded the college but the shootings at VA Tech also had our thoughts with her. It is almost unfathomable when something like this happens. Of course your thoughts go to the families of the victims. However, at the same time you start to consider the what ifs and the what could be items. You think about and pray for the victims - then say a prayer it's not you or yours. Sounds horrible but I am always amazed at how true it is.

Today is tax day.

It's been so busy a week and it's only Tuesday. Hmmm, makes me wonder what tomorrow will bring. Today, Cindy got her promotion to full time. I am very excited about it for her. Yet, again, I realize we are selfish beings by nature. With K and her new jobs, now Cindy. Whomever will be there to save the world with me? *Shudder* I may have to join pick-up teams or go outside into the sunlight. Sunlight! I'm a gamer. Sunlight burns. Ahhh. Hiss. This is bad. If I go outside, I might actually like it and remember what life was like before COH. I know Bo will join me but she gets home later. There will be at least 3 hours when I am on my own. I can feel nature calling me even now. I might just have to go for a walk.

It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To!

Well, my birthday came and went. Simple and celebratory, I have enjoyed the entire week - but there is always something isn't there. Work hasn't been the best of places lately and that is a sad idea. I always LOVED my job but the stress and problems have changed a lot of that. It is a weird feeling to be so excited about a birthday but to be anxious about your job. Things have been weird and I'm at a point where I just don't know what tomorrow will bring. The Red King is still dealing with the aftermath of losing his teeth. K has been laid off from work. J's job may be in jeopardy, although he is so very marketable that it probably isn't an issue. Now with the money and job issues at my job, I just don't know what to make everything. Either way, the birthday was good. I got a great set of bookends, Sims 2 Seasons, books galore, and a great gaming keyboard. Only problem? My computer seems to be on the fritz. Something about the CPU fan crapping out. So a gaming keyboard is great but it's not the be all when you can't play the games. :) Either way, life is good and bad. I am very happy with most of my home life and not so thrilled about work. There are days when I feel like crying from it all but then I just go on. You get up and do it all again. That's life.

Cuddle Bunnies and A-Bombs

I haven't written personal items in a few weeks and so I figured I would make this blog a quick review of the past insanity and joyful upshots.

• Biggest Scare. The Hubby Unit was in a bad car accident 2 weeks ago in Philadelphia. His was down there on business and his friend was driving them out to dinner. A woman ran a red light and hit them. They spent 24 hours in the hospital. J's brother took me down there to break him out. In all honesty, the hospital probably did a wonderful job but I hate not being told what is going on and seeing the love of your life in a neck brace is terrifying. I had to scream and threaten lawyers to get a doctor to come by. It had been 18 hours since J had seen a doctor so I don't feel too bad about my outburst. He is doing well, though I am concerned about his back since the last accident.
• Superheros Unite. The girls' and I all got our heroes to Level 50 on the double XP weekend held on the COH servers. It was 48 hours of little sleep and saving the world. J set us up in one room and let us go at it. I can't believe we all did it. I am still tired from it.
• Cuddle Bunny from Hell. I love Holly to death but she has been up my butt for weeks now. I am concerned she isn't feeling well but she seems OK except for the fact that she wants to be held and cuddled. Maybe it's the weather?
• Jack Frost is Cruel. The weather has been bitterly cold, I feel like screaming. Just snow already and get it over with. I know spring is coming but after the late winter start I'm just not sure when.
• The Tea Party is Over. Probably has been for a while, but like most of the beloved items of my life I didn't want to see it. The Dormouse seems to be in deep trouble and I am not sure she deserves it. I have seen so much back stabbing in the last week I can't remember what age we are all suppose to be. I understand that we work with tweens, though I don't think we need to act like the kids. Of course, this is said by the video game playing librarian. Still, I'm disturbed they are so complacent in hanging her out to dry. She, herself, is driving be batty but I think she has every right to be pissed off. Problem is I know so little of the story that it is hard to understand the final chapters. Either way, we are all in trouble over this.
• March Hare is Freezing in February. Meanwhile, on the other side of the ranch, seems the March Hare is having troubles of her own. From the frying pan into the fire, it never seems to end for the poor March Hare. If your reading this - I'm with ya babe! I'm not sure if someone downtown is just out to get us all but man did we all end up on the slaughter list.
• Did you say Slaughter List? Yes, yes I did. K is having troubles of her own downtown. Apparently she isn't perfect and therefore no eligible to continue in her job. Considering her coworkers seem to be improving, doesn't that make them imperfect as well? The powers that be want to help get her another job. Help her cause she is such a great girl. Well she is, but part of me know a part of this has to do with the lawsuit they don't want. K should be protected by the disabilities laws. I would really like to shove must of this crap they feed us in a pipe. Like to see them smoke that!

I just throwing this all out. Frustrating week probably doesn't mean squat to anyone. I know my writing is all over the place and this entry makes little sense. Maybe I will come back to these topics. Maybe I won't. For now let's just let it go.

Invaders

So on Friday evening, Tiny moved into the middle school. It had been raining for days and Tiny was so cold and wet. The middle school was warm and dry. He liked it very much. Tiny spent the weekend exploring his new home. It was huge, and there was plenty to see. He explored the metal lockers that were left opened and found food! He explored the classrooms and the recycling bins, more food. Tiny was in heaven. By Sunday evening, Tiny located the library and his joy knew no bounds. All the books were a haven of rare treats - the paper, ink, and glue! Tiny could read as he chewed in this fun filled open space, so much better than the gym with it's slick wooden floors. Monday found tiny scurrying around his new home looking for something light for breakfast. Was the history section to heavy a snack? He was just pondering the nutritional value between geography and poetry when he sensed them. He felt their heavy footsteps long before he heard them, but he felt fear strike. He couldn't move. What would he do? This was his home and he should defend it, but they were heavy and their voices boomed. They had just walked into his library when his little paws were able to move. He ran through the stacks, darting through biography and diving under fiction. He stayed there as the light came on. After a little while he thought it might be safe but a small red headed woman and three tall children came and found him. Tiny darted out and around them running for the music section. Blocked. There was only one chance and he took it. He turned and ran as fast as he could for the circulation desk. It was then that he realized his mistake. Behind his safe and cozy wooden desk sat the most hideous creature. She sat on a chair with her feet perched under her. Her eyes were shut tight and her claw like hand raked at her ears. The red headed woman called something out to the sitting creature and it was then that Tiny knew true fear. The sitting creature bolted up and leapt off the chair. She flew up and landed hard just a few inches from Tiny's small body, the whole time a wailing shriek ripping from the creature's throat. Tiny didn't wait for the creature turn on him, he scurried under the small hole in the desk and took off for the reference section. The piercing cries of the creature followed him as he moved behind the dictionaries. He curled his small body up and trembled in a corner of the room. The creature was still out there. He could sense her. She would kill him and devour his little body. Tiny began to cry. Oh horrible ending. It was like that story he had read Sunday about the children and the house of treats! He should have stayed in the woods. It was damp, cold, and muddy but it wasn't this terrible place. The fields had owls and hawks but they were preferable to this land of giants and demons. Tiny trembled so hard he didn't realize that a particularly tall giant was leaning over him. The small red headed one was there as well. He thought this was the end. Oh, be merciful and let the end be quick! The giant among giants pushed him into some type of plastic container, the kind he had seen in the lunch room. Oh, monsters, they would eat him. No, the took Tiny away from the middle school. They carried Tiny out into the woods and let him go. He was alive but banished from the middle school. Tiny ran the first chance he got, away from the school and it's monsters. He had to find the others. They had to decide what to do. Should they strike back in force or run away further. They would need to have a council. They would have to plan to deal with the invaders.

I walked in the library this morning to find we had a mouse in the library. Was he trying to brush up on his history or look into higher education? I do not know the answer to this and I don't really care. Our mouse was very small and dark brown. He was more scared of me than I was of him. I don't really care about this either. Mickey and Minnie not withstanding, there is no love between mice and me. I freak out so completely that all rational thought is gone. I know I must have given the poor mouse a heart attack as I leapt from the chair when the Mad Hatter called out to me. She was warning me that he was running my way. I could not deal with that thought and so I became that shrieking insane creature, leaping and running into the computer lab. The kids were very amused. The Mad Hatter and the Spanish teacher were the heroes. They took the mouse outside and let him go, humanely caring that he be safe. If it were up to me the mouse would have been supper for the school snake, Maize.

Heat Stroke?

Three weeks ago the Dormouse, spent hours covering each keyboard in the lab with an expensive cover. Condoms for keyboards, the ultimate in protective gear! Within a few days we began to realize that the students were ripping of the covers and tossing them aside. When we confronted the students, we received an interesting answer. "I didn't like it," a student said, "so I took it off." No remorse. No concern. Not even an expression of guilt upon being caught in the act. No, we got a bored expression and the attitude that the destruction was our faulty for annoying the kids with the covers in the first place. Now, without the covers, children have started turning keys up side down and stealing keys from neighboring keyboards. Why do they do this? Why to spell out such side splitting phrases as "TAKE IT UP THE REAR" or "MY MONKEYS LIKE TESTIES". Wow, such elegance and wisdom from our future! Tomorrow's world leaders can use keyboard keys to make out pornographic haikus. I'm just delighted at how bright our future appears from this side of the calendar! Attitudes are flying, learning is being scorned, and teens are sucking face behind the library stacks. Many of the teachers have already flown to Bermuda, at least in their own imaginations. Hell, the kids may be lying on the beach next to them for all I know.

There are many ideas as to why the kids behave this way:

• "It's spring and children go a little nutty in the spring."

Ok. So it's a hormone thing? Sex, drugs, vandalism, and synapses firing away.

• "It's the hot weather."

Ah, a form of heat stroke? Global warming getting revenge on us by regressing our youth into dung flinging orangutangs.

• "There are only 14 days of school left."

As plausible as the other ideas are I really think it comes down to this one. School is almost over and everyone has stopped caring. 14 days of school left, with the last two not really counting anyway because of graduation and tests. It doesn't matter really. The kids will be done in 14 days and they are excited. They are also rude and prone to practical joking in there joyousness. Growing up isn't easy when your an adult, it's harder when your a kid. We put so much pressure on them to get into good colleges and get rewarding careers, but they are only kids. So maybe their not so insane for acting out. Maybe that's the real reason or maybe there isn't one - psychological, biological, or otherwise. I have no answer. I have no winner. I can not collect my $200. Do not pass go, but please get the hell out of the way as the bell is about to ring!

Not Even Bread and Water!

HELP! Call in the national guard, the marines, the FBI, Spiderman! Just send someone, for I have been taken prisoner by the care and love of the Dormouse, March Hare, and the Mad Hatter! I was chained to a circulation desk, surrounded by books and students by the best intentions of my coworkers. Even prisoners get at least 10 minutes in the yard! I should explain. It was partially my own fault.
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Sometime over the last day or so, I sprained my ankle pretty bad. It's too the point where even elevating my foot hurts. Last night I got little sleep because of the pain. It hurts to walk. It hurts to sit. I can't get comfortable. Obviously I went to work, or there would be little mention of the tea party trio in this post. What can I say? I had my reasons for going.

• Bookfair started yesterday and I knew we would be busy in the library. All hands on deck! All able bodies to your battle stations, so to speak. Books on sale, mobs of students with money, and the big 8th grade project going on at the same time - chaos can ensue. The days after bookfair always look like the ruins of a glorious battle. The days of bookfair are the battle! I needed and wanted to be there.
• Bookfair! Yes, I am listing it again. By now most of you realize I am an admitted book fiend. Weekend was coming. I needed books. No, I could not have found something to read in my 800 volume home library. If you have any doubt in that statement than you either do not read this blog enough or you are not a book fiend.
• Staying home I would have been with Holly. Yes I love my puppy, but she is only content to sleep all day and control her bathroom needs when we are at work. If Holly has any idea that someone is home with her than she suddenly get the energy level of a 2 year old doped up on 24 pots of black coffee. If she hears someone sniff on the other side of the house, Holly's bladder of steel becomes the size of a pea. I couldn't see ignoring her. Staying home would not have been restful.
• My sick time is limited, too many migraines and not enough aspirin.
• I am stubborn and can't stand being bored. I am after all a princess.

So, I went to work and had to tell my bosses and coworkers why it was that I was limping. I was ordered to plant my butt in my chair and elevate my foot. I wanted to retrieve some of our equipment from a concert last night. I thought if I had the use of two students that I could retrieve it myself. I thought wrong! The Mad Hatter took the students and went to get it herself. I wanted to go down to the office. Nope. "SIT DOWN!", said the March Hare. Gods, I wonder if this is how Holly feels when we command her to sit? I usually go out and get us all lunch. The Dormouse insisted this would not happen today. Part of the problem was that all three of them had a meeting, which left me alone for an hour or so. With all the confusion and chaos, lunch really never happened. Bathroom breaks never really happened. It got to the point where all I wanted was a cigarette and even that never happened. As for my partners in books and their drill sergeant concerns? They were so good at it that after a few hours even the students started commanding me to get into my chair and stay there.

I spoke to J on the phone, he told me to go get construction paper and follow his directions. I did. The tea party trio came back from their meeting to find me still sitting behind the circulation desk. I sat where they had left me, only now I was behind a set of construction paper bars and a sign that said, "Don't feed the prisoners!"

I may sometimes be overwhelmed and wish I hadn't transferred back to the middle school. I may sometimes be concerned about the changes that are coming closer every day. I often reflect on how I am not paid enough for all the work I do. I do worry. I do get angry. Yet there are days, like today, where I am reminded why I enjoy working with these people. These are the days I remember that I always voluntarily join in the insane tea parties. I love these three characters. They are my family bonded by books and madness. They are my friends.

You're a Mean One, Mrs. Grinch!

I'm not sure why I care. . .

Today the Dormouse came over to me and told me that some of our coworkers were afraid to approach me or ask me for anything. Apparently I am MEAN. I can't for the life of me figure out where this came from. I always try to smile and say nice things. I try to be pleasant, even when the day is going to crap.

Seriously! How easy do you think it is:

• Getting up at 5 am each morning.
• Driving 33 miles to work.
• Being cheerful and helpful every single morning to a school of over 700 kids and 50 teachers.
• Dealing with all the crap jobs that no one else wants to do.
• Fixing things that break because of user error.
• Having to explain the same computer program over and over and over.
• Doing all this and more without ever slowing down, always smiling.

I'm not sure how I ended up being the bitch, as I bend over backwards trying to get each person whatever it is they need. I can't believe how much this is bothering me. I just wanted to put this crappy day out into the void and let the nothingness take it away. While I send it out there, "Void? What the F*&%?!"