Thursday, May 24, 2007

Where Are You Going? Where Have You Been?

I think I am at that point in my life. You know the one? Where your just not sure if the choices you made in life were all the right ones?

WARNING: This will probably be one of those whiner moments that happen frequently inside the blogging world!

It's not that I don't like my life; I do. I just can't stand parts of it.

Work: I am not sure what to do about work. In the past, I never questioned my job. I loved it. While there were things I didn't enjoy, for the most part I actually looked forward to going to work every day. Work was fun. I enjoyed the people I worked with. I enjoyed the kids. I enjoyed the books. Now it has become a chore. Now I know this is true for many people and I should just sucked it up but I am having a really difficult time doing that. I WANT to enjoy my job. The love affair is over.

Marriage: I love my husband but I think we are facing a rut. Part of the difficulty is me. I know that. It's not easy to live with me and all my "baggage" - which includes an insane family, The Red King in all his glory, and a complicated but caring "college" roommate. Now, I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. While giving the "baggage" a name doesn't change that I have always been like that, I guess I just long for a little more support from him. Now that we know there IS a problem, I am trying really hard to work on it. I don't feel as if there is much "change" on his end. I know that he refuses to treat me differently and I guess that's a good thing. Still, I'm not sure.

Cindy's wedding: This is not something I am dissatisfied with. I am excited for her and glad to be a part. I wish I had been able to be there for her more during the events leading to this happy day. I wish she was closer. I do miss her. In fact, this category should be -

Friends: I wish I had my closest friends closer - I mean in distance. We are all so spread out, and life just keeps stepping in to make us busy. Yes, we have our online time playing COH. For that I am thankful, but even that has been far apart lately. Again, life has kept us all busy.

COH: I LOVE this game. In fact, with all the stress in my life right now, sometimes all I can think about is the game. This is a HUGE problem with J. It bothers him that I spend so much time online. It has become more of an issue in our marriage than money ever was. I wish he had some interest outside of me. I guess I should be thankful that after 11 years together he still finds me interesting but you can have too much of a good thing.

Books: Can't believe I am saying this - Don't know and don't care. It's all been crap lately anyway.

Family: I love them. I hate them. I miss them. I think I am home sick.

Maybe it's just depression setting in. Maybe it's an age thing. I don't honestly know. I am past caring, this is what the stress has done to me. It scares me.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Life As We Know It.

So life as I know it has gone to hell in a handbasket. Sometimes stress is the great equalizer and I just can't deal. Here is life so far.

  • Cindy's wedding is approaching. This is a good thing, except when you take into account that I was a complete idiot and ordered the wrong size top for my bridesmaid's dress. Crisis was averted. I ended up ordering another top of the rack from California. Now I have never been to California, but my top is a native of. I know she has many people coming and many from far away. I am willing to bet money my top gets to be one of the furthest attendants going to her wedding. LOL. There was panic there, let me assure you. I should have great shoes though.
  • Work has been. . .unpleasant. I have never longed for a school year to end so quickly as I am praying for this one to end. Between budget issues and red tape, there aren't enough sick days in a school year.
  • My Great-Aunt is in the hospital. I have always had this overwhelming concern about her living alone in Queens. She's 93 years old. About 4 weeks ago, she went missing. She was in the hospital but none of the family knew. She has no children of her own and her husband died back in the late 80s. Her sister, my grandmother, is now living in Florida near my dad and uncle. Grandma has dementia setting in. I worry who will care for our Great-Aunt. Makes me worry about the future. You spend you whole life caring for other people, just to end up alone. She didn't contact anyone because she didn't want to worry us. I don't know. I think I was more worried when we couldn't find her.

Can't wait to put this year behind us.