Where Are You Going? Where Have You Been?

I think I am at that point in my life. You know the one? Where your just not sure if the choices you made in life were all the right ones?

WARNING: This will probably be one of those whiner moments that happen frequently inside the blogging world!

It's not that I don't like my life; I do. I just can't stand parts of it.

Work: I am not sure what to do about work. In the past, I never questioned my job. I loved it. While there were things I didn't enjoy, for the most part I actually looked forward to going to work every day. Work was fun. I enjoyed the people I worked with. I enjoyed the kids. I enjoyed the books. Now it has become a chore. Now I know this is true for many people and I should just sucked it up but I am having a really difficult time doing that. I WANT to enjoy my job. The love affair is over.

Marriage: I love my husband but I think we are facing a rut. Part of the difficulty is me. I know that. It's not easy to live with me and all my "baggage" - which includes an insane family, The Red King in all his glory, and a complicated but caring "college" roommate. Now, I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. While giving the "baggage" a name doesn't change that I have always been like that, I guess I just long for a little more support from him. Now that we know there IS a problem, I am trying really hard to work on it. I don't feel as if there is much "change" on his end. I know that he refuses to treat me differently and I guess that's a good thing. Still, I'm not sure.

Cindy's wedding: This is not something I am dissatisfied with. I am excited for her and glad to be a part. I wish I had been able to be there for her more during the events leading to this happy day. I wish she was closer. I do miss her. In fact, this category should be -

Friends: I wish I had my closest friends closer - I mean in distance. We are all so spread out, and life just keeps stepping in to make us busy. Yes, we have our online time playing COH. For that I am thankful, but even that has been far apart lately. Again, life has kept us all busy.

COH: I LOVE this game. In fact, with all the stress in my life right now, sometimes all I can think about is the game. This is a HUGE problem with J. It bothers him that I spend so much time online. It has become more of an issue in our marriage than money ever was. I wish he had some interest outside of me. I guess I should be thankful that after 11 years together he still finds me interesting but you can have too much of a good thing.

Books: Can't believe I am saying this - Don't know and don't care. It's all been crap lately anyway.

Family: I love them. I hate them. I miss them. I think I am home sick.

Maybe it's just depression setting in. Maybe it's an age thing. I don't honestly know. I am past caring, this is what the stress has done to me. It scares me.

Cuddle Bunnies and A-Bombs

I haven't written personal items in a few weeks and so I figured I would make this blog a quick review of the past insanity and joyful upshots.

• Biggest Scare. The Hubby Unit was in a bad car accident 2 weeks ago in Philadelphia. His was down there on business and his friend was driving them out to dinner. A woman ran a red light and hit them. They spent 24 hours in the hospital. J's brother took me down there to break him out. In all honesty, the hospital probably did a wonderful job but I hate not being told what is going on and seeing the love of your life in a neck brace is terrifying. I had to scream and threaten lawyers to get a doctor to come by. It had been 18 hours since J had seen a doctor so I don't feel too bad about my outburst. He is doing well, though I am concerned about his back since the last accident.
• Superheros Unite. The girls' and I all got our heroes to Level 50 on the double XP weekend held on the COH servers. It was 48 hours of little sleep and saving the world. J set us up in one room and let us go at it. I can't believe we all did it. I am still tired from it.
• Cuddle Bunny from Hell. I love Holly to death but she has been up my butt for weeks now. I am concerned she isn't feeling well but she seems OK except for the fact that she wants to be held and cuddled. Maybe it's the weather?
• Jack Frost is Cruel. The weather has been bitterly cold, I feel like screaming. Just snow already and get it over with. I know spring is coming but after the late winter start I'm just not sure when.
• The Tea Party is Over. Probably has been for a while, but like most of the beloved items of my life I didn't want to see it. The Dormouse seems to be in deep trouble and I am not sure she deserves it. I have seen so much back stabbing in the last week I can't remember what age we are all suppose to be. I understand that we work with tweens, though I don't think we need to act like the kids. Of course, this is said by the video game playing librarian. Still, I'm disturbed they are so complacent in hanging her out to dry. She, herself, is driving be batty but I think she has every right to be pissed off. Problem is I know so little of the story that it is hard to understand the final chapters. Either way, we are all in trouble over this.
• March Hare is Freezing in February. Meanwhile, on the other side of the ranch, seems the March Hare is having troubles of her own. From the frying pan into the fire, it never seems to end for the poor March Hare. If your reading this - I'm with ya babe! I'm not sure if someone downtown is just out to get us all but man did we all end up on the slaughter list.
• Did you say Slaughter List? Yes, yes I did. K is having troubles of her own downtown. Apparently she isn't perfect and therefore no eligible to continue in her job. Considering her coworkers seem to be improving, doesn't that make them imperfect as well? The powers that be want to help get her another job. Help her cause she is such a great girl. Well she is, but part of me know a part of this has to do with the lawsuit they don't want. K should be protected by the disabilities laws. I would really like to shove must of this crap they feed us in a pipe. Like to see them smoke that!

I just throwing this all out. Frustrating week probably doesn't mean squat to anyone. I know my writing is all over the place and this entry makes little sense. Maybe I will come back to these topics. Maybe I won't. For now let's just let it go.

When You Fall Off the Earth Make Sure You Have A Parachute

Oh where to start? The summer started out so nice and relaxing too. Well, isn't that always the way before reality come crashing down on you?

July 15th, 2006 - The Red King, Minotaur God, and Ralph came up to Connecticut to attend a Renaissance Festival with us. It was much smaller than the one we usually go to in Sterling Forest, NY but we had a lot of fun. Follow up ye olde dork fest with some loud karoke and you've got yourself a winner weekend. Arguments about online games ensued - Yes, Minotaur God. I agree your game is cool but I'm telling you that mine is better! If we wanted reality, to quote K, than we'd go into the park and beat people with bats. We don't, so we save the world. You can't beat us so you might as well join us! We finally found a way to get Ralph off the couch but we have a new problem. How do we get him off the porno? Then, when they finally go to leave, K wiggles her nose and breaks a car! Damn girl, I know you love the Red King but he has to go home sometime. Doesn't he?

July 17th, 2006 - Apparently the answer to my last question is NO. The Red King will NEVER go home again because, according to him, K is trying to kill him with her love. In an attempt to wake the Red King, an accomplishment Lewis Carroll was never able to succeed in, K made the Red King swallow his own teeth. That's right. I said swallow, as in consume or choke down. Now I may have had a hand in this but I am denying it as passionately as I denied biting his forehead 20 years ago. Anyway, after rushing him to the emergency room, K had to call me in as next of kin. Oh that was fun! The Red King had to stay in the hospital as they attempted to remove his dental bridge from where it had lodged in his throat. There are so many more details I could go into but let us leave it as he was released - missing his four front teeth and owing his soul to the hospital. Welcome to the wonderful world of debt little bro!

July 24th, 2006 - Back to the hospital with the Red King. Man K, you really wanna keep him huh? While going into details would be rude, let's just say there were complications from the week before that Burger King couldn't fix. Let's not talk about it.

July 25th, 2006 - Our one year anniversary of bring Holly home to live with us. What a good puppy she has been! It also means my one year anniversary of this blog has come around. One year of words and fur. . .so much fun.

July 29th, 2006 - J purchased a speed boat from my step-brother. He was cranking to get it into the water!

July 30th, 2006 - L, otherwise known as the Catapiller, had her first bridal meeting. It went very well, although parts were intense. I know her, and Bridezilla isn't really her chosen projection as a bride but I fear some people may cause her to fill that role. K wanted to give her a dead horse and a stick to beat it with! L had to repeat herself so many times that maybe the horse wouldn't be such a bad idea. She might get further with it.

August 1st, 2006 - A group of us went into NY city to Radio City Music Hall for An Evening with Harry, Carrie, and Garp. This was an awesome event any true nerd would have enjoyed! Live readings done by Stephen King, John Irving, and J.K. Rowling. These three never do readings and it was amazing. I think my favorite was Stephen King, because as much as that man scares the Hell out of me - He is an entertaining reader, hysterical. J was a little cranky but what you gonna do?

August 2nd, 2006 - J is upset his boat not working. . .Something about a water pump?

August 4th, 2006 - Boat suppose to be ready. See above for why it's not.

August 5th, 2006 - J drives all over Connecticut to get said water pump. Boat repaired and he launches her for a three hour tour. Red King plays Gilligan to J's Skipper while K and I go along for the ride.

August 6th, 2006 - J's brother, sister-in-law, and their young son, (let's call them the Walrus, the Carpenter and an oyster shall we) join J and I on a boat trip. They show us a cove called the Sand Hole located in Port Jeff, NY. It's an inlet people, come on and call it what it is. Fancy names! It's still an inlet!

Summary: Boat $5,000 - Red King's Connecticut Vacation $18,000 - Saving the world (City of Heros) $29.99 for game $15.00 per month - Water pump for afore mentioned boat $300 - An evening of watching people read $ 92.80 per person - Tickets to pretend to be a Merry Man $15.00 per person - Books to keep me occupied $150 - Cost of feeding Red King after Hospital (Pudding, Jello, and Appelsauce. Poor boy!) $130 - Cost to fuel boat's 75 gallon tank $300 - Cost to fuel a car in Connecticut $3.20 per gallon - Cost of trial of World of Warcraft that Minotaur King insisted we try FREE for 10 days $49.99 for game $15.00 per month after that. As you can see by this list I can not afford another MMORPG! - Getting Ralph off our couch PRICELESS.

Two "Birds" Killing Me With One Stone

A nest of birds have taken up residence outside my bedroom window in the last few weeks. They sing beautiful arias to welcome the sun each and every morning, at 4 am. They do not cease for weekends. They do not notice that I have to be up by 5 am to get ready and drive 33 miles to work in a school of 700 preteen students. They seem to have very little understanding of what my snooze button means to me. Fifteen more minutes, please. Just fifteen more minutes of sleep might help me stay sane!

J loves me! I rejoice in this fact, as I to love him. J likes his nightly television - CSI, ER, Law & Order, Crossing Jordan. He has to watch. WE have to watch, staying up late almost every night to do so. Never mind that we are now in reruns. Never mind that CSI and Law & Order are on ALL the time. Seriously, do you realize that at any given moment of any day, one of these shows is on somewhere in the world? Right now, while you read this, one of them is starting. Some crime must be investigated and J is determined to solve them! The survival of the world rests on his shoulders. Civilizations will end if he doesn't see just who's fingerprint was on the gun recovered from the aging model's mansion. Doesn't he realize yet that it's always the same? Miss Scarlet committed the murder. In the study. With the revolver. However, this late night obsession with crime dramas gets worse. When they are over, J wants to spend time together in all those ways married people are suppose to spend time together - Talking about the truck's oil change. Asking me to do laundry. Wanting to know why I spent so much at the bookstore last week. You know, all that adult stuff. What was that about handcuffs? Never mind. I am so tired. 4 hours of sleep don't cut it for me anymore.

It has all started to blur together. Day. Night. Birds' gentle morning greetings. Husband's sweet whispered good-nights. Get into bed. Get out of bed. Alarm clock buzzing relentlessly. Hungry birds chirping and demanding my soul for breakfast. Husband needing just a trace of human contact. Nature and nurture playing havoc with my sleep cycle. Love and life demanding my sanity. It all screams at me to enjoy my life and sleep when I'm dead.

All I can think at 4 am is this:

• Me.
• The candlestick.
• In the Bedroom.
• Birds or J.
• Fifteen more minutes of sleep.

There's a CSI episode for you!

Living Vicariously

The glory of a new romance. The touch of your lover's hand brushing against your thigh as he reaches for the popcorn in the movies. The light nibble on the ear that sends chills up and down your spine. Dates that last for hours, just containing conversation and some wine. Roses left on your pillow. Love letters written in haste to describe what no words can ever desirable. These are the passionate throes of new loves. Women everywhere call it romance, and gentlemen, we crave it.

My husband, J, and I have now been married 5 years. We are almost together 10 years! Romance has fizzled to comfort. He loves me, I know that he does. However, it doesn't change the fact that I miss that movie-like romantic glow the world takes on when your newly in love.

This is where "living vicariously" comes into play. My roommate, K, has always been a great source for this. She use to come home and tell me all about her day and adventures in dating. I think most people have this kind of friend. A person who, you at least think, lives a more exciting life than you. A person you "live through" because you sometimes find yourself jealous of their excitement. K is the type of person that I sometimes wish I could be. Now, however, I don't want to hear anymore details. It's not that her life has become less desirable or that I don't envy the things she does. It's not anything she's done to lead me to stick my fingers in my ears every time she talks. K is now dating my brother JT.

I have no desire to do the horizontal tango with my own kid brother, Gods save us from 7 eyed octobabies. K, and JT for that matter, still think they should tell me intricate details or their relationship. I think they maybe doing it on purpose to make me turn pink. Many people enjoy seeing me blush in multiple shades of red!

So that leaves me with 2 problems:

1. How do I pull of "cool" while I am running from them both, fingers in my ears, screaming "La, La, La, La, La!"
2. Who do I get to live through now? I've never really been into romance novels or soap opera.

Puppy in the Middle.

I love Holly. I never thought I'd feel this way for a pet, but it has happened. I love her cold nose and persistent love. She ALWAYS wants to be around me and is just happy that I come home to her. Sometimes, though, I just don't want to be bothered with her.

Now that school is back in session, I'm finding it very hard to extract myself from the stress of the day. Sometimes I come home and she is SO needy that I just want to scream. I know it's not her that I am upset with but I'm not sure how to release it. Then there seem to be all the continuing problems between J and myself.

I'm not sure what the real problem is between J and I, but it seems obvious that puppy is being used as an excuse. I feel as if I'm having to do everything for Holly and that J isn't living up to his part of the bargain. We had a deal that we would raise the puppy together. I don't feel this is happening. J, on the other hand works seriously long hours. He leaves just after me in the morning and comes home late into the night. I know he feels overworked and exhausted. I know it is very difficult for him to juggle his own business and his day job - both of which require long hours. I know he does a lot of this to make sure we have the money to pay for our house, food, and bills. Money is tight and Connecticut is an expensive state to live in. I appreciate all that he does but I tend to think there are more important things in life than money. I could live with out my video games, books, and nights out. I could live without the extras if I could just have him home more. J wants to provide for his family. He wants us to have everything we need.

J and I both grew up without. J was from a large family and his dad worked hard to make ends meet. While his dad made a fairly good living, it really didn't stretch that far with 2 parents, 5 kids, and 3 grandchildren. J lived in a house supplied to his family by his father's boss. This was in an extremely rich town in Connecticut. Many of the kids he grew up with had large homes, new cars, and large trust funds. J worked hard and got scholarships to private schools. Then he got scholarships to college. He grew up surrounded by excess while his family wanted for necessities. He never wants his kids to face that. He wants me, as his wife, to be able to get my hair done or buy myself a book if I want. He wants this all without having to worry about whether or not we can eat that night. I can't blame him for wanting more out of life.

I grew up on Long Island in an Italian middle-class neighborhood. My family had lived in the same house for 5 generations. We were comfortable. My dad split when I was 6, leaving my mom, baby brother, my grandmother, and I on our own. My mom worked at McDonald's and cleaned houses. We had little but we were really happy. Food was scarce but my mom always made it seem like we had plenty. I know now we were drowning but I never knew it then. My brother jokes that he grew up in the house the estrogen built and technology forgot. We played board games and read books. We went on picnics to the beach after 4pm, because it was free after that time. I worked hard and went to college. I met J. I never want my kids to go hungry but I also want them to know their father. I want him in their life.

Now, J and I don't have kids yet. Up until now, we had a cat and he was pretty self sufficient. If I was lonely, well I kept myself busy most of the time. Problems have arisen now that Holly has entered our lives. Holly needs more hands on care. Many of the things I did to keep myself busy have to be put on hold for her needs. J still works all the time, because nothing has really changed for him. He didn't take care of the cat and I could look after myself. Holly has fallen under my care because I am first home. This has brought up all sorts of feeling that all lead to the same idea - future children. Until we figure out how to deal with each other and the situation, there will be fights and upset feelings. Until we learn to communicate, there will be misunderstandings. Until we try to reach a compromise and a common ground, there will be resentment. Until we commit to a change, there will be no future children. Sadly, until then, Holly is stuck in the middle.

Emergencies vs. Priorities

Well, another argument ensued today. This time because J came home late. I think much of it stems from J's career. He works as a maintenance troubleshooter for a series of senior apartments. When emergencies strike, he's on call. I understand they need him, at least I try to. It's very hard being "the other woman" to a husband's career.

The argument had to do with Puppy classes that I would like to sign Holly up for. They are being offered at our local Petco and I think it would do Holly a lot of good. She's bright and has already learned several commands but this would reinforce what she already knows. A positive plus would also be her socializing with other puppies in our area. I thought J should be the one to go with her. As of lately, Holly isn't listen to him as well as she use to. Most likely, it has to do with him always being at work.

So I told him when the classes will be, one night a week for six weeks. He doesn't feel he can commit to it because he never knows when an emergency will arise. In my opinion, he needs to make time for the important things in life. He wanted the puppy and I feel he needs to make the time to be involved in raising her. This is really a precursor problem because the real issues are future children. I don't want to raise a pup alone, let alone a child. It's one thing to say no to a puppy training class. It's completely different to put work before your family. This is an old argument of J and I, there have been many holidays and events I have missed or attended alone because of some emergency or another.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, and I'm sure it will come up again. We are taught all our lives that a good work ethic is a priority. Shouldn't we also be taught that family is just, if not more so, important? I don't want him to quit his job, J likes what he does. I just don't think work is all there is to life. You have to have more, you have to be more than your job. I'm not asking for anything more than a commitment to one hour a week. Is that too much? Is it not enough?

Be the Change.

Anger is rushing up from the pit of my stomach like a volcano about to explode. I can feel my face turn red and I can almost hear the steam rushing out from my ears. Four weeks ago I might have screamed at someone, anyone. It wouldn't have mattered if they were at fault or not. If they were in my way, they may have suffered my wrath. Just for the record, my wrath is not a pretty thing. I have always had a problem with anger and expressing my feelings. I am very temperamental but at least it passes quickly and doesn't happen that often. Sounds horrible though, I know. Yet, I have mellowed so much in the past several years that friends from then say I'm a different person. It normally makes me laugh, my so called mellowing out. I mean, isn't that called growing up? Well, I finally get it. For the first time in my life I completely understand everyone's reaction to my anger. I saw myself through Holly's eyes and stopped.

I've worked with kids for several years now and I've never yelled around a child, so I wasn't worried about yelling at Holly. I figured I just wouldn't. That became harder with each passing day. I have kept my cool and managed to let it go. After all, puppy doesn't know any better until I teach her better. Besides, I've noticed raised voices gets her to excited. So no, I have been good and released my anger through other more constructive outlets, instead of at Holly. What I forgot was anger in general. Anger at my husband, J, for making me worry because he didn't call to tell me he'd be late. Anger with the bank for screwing up a bill. Anger at friends who blow off your plans last minute. We deal with anger every day and some of it starts fights. Sometimes it starts yelling matches. Sometimes we even yell without anger being involved. Examples of yelling without anger: yelling into another room to alert another person to dinner, yelling because you burned yourself on the stove, etc.

The first time I yelled, around Holly, was at J. He had come home late and I'd waited to have dinner. I was exhausted from working with Holly all day. Our roommate, K, had called to say she wasn't coming home. Everyone I called on the telephone seemed to be out. I wanted to speak with another human being; Holly is fun but she isn't the best conversationalist. It was nearing midnight. I was lonely, hungry, tired, bored, and getting extremely worried. When J walked in he hardly said anything before falling asleep on the couch. I started to scream at him about everything he'd put me through and anything else I could think of. He was tired and had his own baggage from the day. He began to yell back. It was then that I noticed Holly and shut my mouth. She looked so small, her ears back and tail down. She was even shaking and huddled in a corner. It didn't matter that we weren't yelling at her. We were fighting and she was taking it all in. From then on we have tried not to fight at all, but to talk to each other. If we do feel the need to fight, we try to remove ourselves from the area.

It's been a little over three weeks since I've last yelled. I feel I'm making huge strides as a "rage-aholic" and feel better as well. I'm noticing that I don't get flustered as easily, remain calmer, and feel a lot happier in general. To show support and pride for what I am trying to do, K presented me with a gift. It's a small silver charm that reads, "Be the change you wish to see in the world". On the top of the quote is a small gold symbol for the world. When I start feeling upset or angry, I touch it and say it. I want to communicate with my world, not abuse it. I want to teach my puppy with love, not fear. I want to focus on the positive in my life, everything else will follow.

I am the change I wish to see. I have learned this of myself because I have final stopped to see myself through other eyes. If I yell at puppy after she has soiled the carpet, she doesn't know why I'm angry with her. If I yell at J, he only hears the yelling. The key to communication's start is by remaining as calm as you can. This is my latest lesson learned from Holly.