Where Are You Going? Where Have You Been?

I think I am at that point in my life. You know the one? Where your just not sure if the choices you made in life were all the right ones?

WARNING: This will probably be one of those whiner moments that happen frequently inside the blogging world!

It's not that I don't like my life; I do. I just can't stand parts of it.

Work: I am not sure what to do about work. In the past, I never questioned my job. I loved it. While there were things I didn't enjoy, for the most part I actually looked forward to going to work every day. Work was fun. I enjoyed the people I worked with. I enjoyed the kids. I enjoyed the books. Now it has become a chore. Now I know this is true for many people and I should just sucked it up but I am having a really difficult time doing that. I WANT to enjoy my job. The love affair is over.

Marriage: I love my husband but I think we are facing a rut. Part of the difficulty is me. I know that. It's not easy to live with me and all my "baggage" - which includes an insane family, The Red King in all his glory, and a complicated but caring "college" roommate. Now, I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. While giving the "baggage" a name doesn't change that I have always been like that, I guess I just long for a little more support from him. Now that we know there IS a problem, I am trying really hard to work on it. I don't feel as if there is much "change" on his end. I know that he refuses to treat me differently and I guess that's a good thing. Still, I'm not sure.

Cindy's wedding: This is not something I am dissatisfied with. I am excited for her and glad to be a part. I wish I had been able to be there for her more during the events leading to this happy day. I wish she was closer. I do miss her. In fact, this category should be -

Friends: I wish I had my closest friends closer - I mean in distance. We are all so spread out, and life just keeps stepping in to make us busy. Yes, we have our online time playing COH. For that I am thankful, but even that has been far apart lately. Again, life has kept us all busy.

COH: I LOVE this game. In fact, with all the stress in my life right now, sometimes all I can think about is the game. This is a HUGE problem with J. It bothers him that I spend so much time online. It has become more of an issue in our marriage than money ever was. I wish he had some interest outside of me. I guess I should be thankful that after 11 years together he still finds me interesting but you can have too much of a good thing.

Books: Can't believe I am saying this - Don't know and don't care. It's all been crap lately anyway.

Family: I love them. I hate them. I miss them. I think I am home sick.

Maybe it's just depression setting in. Maybe it's an age thing. I don't honestly know. I am past caring, this is what the stress has done to me. It scares me.

Dead Muses?

"What is the use of a book,'" thought Alice,

"without pictures or conversation?"

-Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

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Ever since the loss of my database of writing, I have felt like a ship set adrift without sails. I'm not sure if it's because so much was lost and I am hesitant to try to rebuild, or if I have truly come to the end of my creativity. Now I am sure part of this lack of interest rests solely on the boredom I have been feeling, "ennui" according to my best friend L.

In her own blog entry, L reminds me that there is always the seed of creativity if we bother to just put pen to paper. This may be true for some writers, it may be true of all writers. At this time I can not say for sure. I hearken back to the conversation I had with my brother JT, there are only so many ideas. I also look back on my own displeasure with the new books soon to be published. I am suffering from a set disinterest as both a writer and a reader. It may seem as if I'm just whining but the truth is I have never felt this large a disinterest in all my years.

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Books have always been important to me, which does not surprise many considering my choice of careers as a middle school librarian. Books were my long time friends, my secret worlds of escape, and my greatest addiction. Writing gave me inky children of nouns, verbs, and adjectives. Within the realm of my own imagination, whole worlds blossomed and it was people with the many characters that whispered their lives to me while I dreamed. Now the people have grown quiet and the worlds are dark.

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What do we do as writers when the inspiration leaves us? Where do we find it again? It may be that my own disinterest and fears may be what is killing off my muse, then again it seems to be rampant in the writers I've spoken to. L seems to have found her slippery muse, and I wish her all the luck in the world. Her talent in writing is obvious. Her creativity is fluid. Yet, she seems to suffer from the blocks and boredom that strike so many writers - just as it has stuck down myself. She may overcome it. Then again, it may never return to torment her. This is always something that amazes me. Yes, the books coming out may hold little interest for me but these books authors' have finished their works. They have overcome what seems to affect so many writers. How do they do it? How do you hold on to the story?

Depression or Saving the World?

Seemly, at least to the online community, I fell off the face of the earth. My days, have been swallowed up by work, puppy, online gaming, and a type of bored depression that seems to linger every spring. So it's to the point where I am unsure of the exact reason for my blase feelings. So I thought I should quickly write up an excuse and see if it flys.

• Work: Stress and Anxiety seem to be permanent fixtures in our library. People laugh at this idea thinking a school library should be stress-free. This is SO not so, especially on a middle school level. Pre-teens, hormones, budgets, books, and teachers make for an interesting atmosphere.
• Puppy: As good as she is, the warmer weather and longer hours of daylight lead to one hyper puppy. Her 1st birthday arrived and the boyfriend has been out in the park more. Holly is dying for attention and the great outdoors.
• Online Gaming: The roommate, K, and I have been playing online with the game City of Heroes - a MMORPG that allows you to create a super hero and save the fictional world. We have been addicted to it and have spent every spare moment playing it, both together and alone.
• Depression: Every spring I am crushed under feelings of anxiety, anger, boredom, and sadness. I can never seem to shake these feelings. Every year seems to be the same.

So these are my excuses and I'm sticking to them! We will see if one of these pan out as a sole reason for my lack of interest in my usual outlets. Books, scrapbooking, movies, all games besides those mentioned above, and blogging - these things hold no allure for me.

A Birthday and a Good-bye in Wonderland.

My best friend had her birthday this weekend, with a party on Saturday in her New York apartment. The party was very nice and it was just amazing to see her and all the people I know. I can't believe we've been friends almost 12 years. Happy Birthday L! She has been my best friend, editor, book club, and ghost hunting partner. I would not be who I am if not for her. Sometimes I am jealous of her life - she is living the dream I had when we were in college. I am happy with the choices I made but I am happy to see her live that dream regardless.

Also this weekend, my father and his wife moved on to Florida - I didn't expect this to hit me as hard as it did. I mean, my parents have been divorced since I was little and I never lived in my father's house. Surprising as it was, his move hit me hard. A few years back, my grandmother sold the house I grew up in. She moved to Florida and my mom moved out to the eastern end of the Island. Not long before, my other grandmother passed away after years of bitter fighting in the family. Now, with my father's move, the chapter has ended on my childhood.

All the places and people that contain my childhood memories are removed from me. I know it's not the places that are important. I know "home" is now the place I live with my husband. I know "home" is now in Connecticut. Yet, just sometimes, I am homesick for Long Island and my childhood. The Island is different then it was when I left 6 years ago. I don't belong there anymore. This became perfectly clear as we drove away from my dad's on the day he left. Everything has changed and grown away from me. I am slowly losing my reasons to return to the Island. My mom and her sisters are all that remain. My friends, father and his family - all have moved on to different venues. Places and people have moved on. I no longer belong to the Island but I really don't fit quite right with New England. I am a woman trapped between both, which I guess puts me right in the middle of the Long Island Sound!

L's party was great and my father's move is going to do wonders for him, but both have made me a little nostalgic and sad. The ups and downs of living in Wonderland!