Thursday, June 01, 2006

Open Letter to Traffic Junkies.

Dear Fellow Prisoners,

People are insane! This is the only logical conclusion I can come up with. Don't worry. I know that I am just as insane as the rest of the population. I must be, because I choose to join these rejects of the DMV in their accordion dance of travel. That is if we can call what we do in traffic, travel. We can't. Not really.

We snake along the highway at speeds any three year old on a tri-cycle could exceed. We do this every day. We do this all over the country and the world. We spend most of our lives in these steel mobile prisons trying to get from point A to point B. Then, of course, we do it all over again returning to B. Okay, sometimes there might be a C or D involved but these are irrelevant. If you happen to be heading to C or D, please stay the hell off the road when I'm trying to get to A or B. I mean really, what else do you have to do with your life if you are going to C or D during rush hour? Your life is obviously more flexible than mine if you can go to C at that hour of the morning - so stay home!

Why do we do this to ourselves? Oh, right. Money. We have to get to work in order to earn money so we can live. Does anyone else feel scammed? Right now gas prices are so high. I feel that I'm battling my way to work simply to earn money to pay gas prices.

It's all for nothing. It's all so I can creep along the black ribbon of highway. Why did I have to pass a driving test as a teen? It's not like I'm really driving. I'm simply inching my car behind another car which is behind another car, and so on. It's like some sort of perverse parade! We should all put on our clown costumes before climbing in behind the wheel.

Some days the highest speed I hit is traveling down my own driveway! You may have a Hemi in your hood but it's wasted at 5 miles an hour. Break. Gas. Break. Sit. Gas. Break. Sit. Gas? No, sit. Oh gods, kill me now!

Once, growing up on Long Island, I saw a bumper sticker that read, "Pray for me. I drive 495." I'll pray for all of you, if you'll pray for me. It's got to be one for all and all for one because we are a community of drivers. This "road rage" crap has got to stop. I know it's hard. I am just as guilty of it. We need to stop it though. The guy in front of you can't go anywhere either. We are all trapped in a long line of vehicles. We are all hot. We are all tired. We are all late. I'm not advocating the erasing of our anger though. See, I know who we need to aim it at. The assholes.

You know who you are and I know who you are too. We all know who you are:

  • Truckers in the fast lane - In my area, you don't belong there. Get out.
  • Slow Drivers - those who push the capabilities of there car by speeding along at an unimaginable 40 miles an hour. YOU DO NOT BELONG IN THE LEFT HAND LANE. Go slow down someone else's commute. If your that relaxed than you probably could have stayed home.
  • Accident Watchers - You want to see a dead body go take a field trip to the morgue. Really people are gruesome. Leave those involved in an accident some dignity. Keep your eyes on the road so you don't cause another accident and make things worse. Your like the cockroaches of the driving community.
  • Junk Cars - Fix your cars with more than duct tape next time, buddy. Your breaking down in the center lane does not make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
  • Emergency Lane Racers - the people who drive down the emergency lane because they are too good to wait in line with the rest of us. Where are the police when they do this? I pray sometimes that they will catch them. I've yet to see it.
  • Cutters - those drivers that insist on forcing there way into my lane, never mind that they almost killed me by cutting me off with 3 inches to spare. Almost only counts in horseshoes and grenades, right? These people are bullies. They should be pulled over and made to walk. Torture is too good for them!
  • Road Work - I do not blame the construction crew for doing their jobs but they're always late finishing when I need to be somewhere. The construction never seems to stop. Do they ever really finish any project? Is it all a weird government experiment to help create traffic and see if we will all snap?

Of course, I'm not seeing the whole picture. These people that cut me off and drive where they don't belong, these are holy people. We can never possibly hope to understand is their motives for breaking these laws. These people are so much more important than us mere mortals. They must have the cure for Cancer and are rushing their way to tell the world. Maybe Armageddon is upon us and they are the only ones who can save us. Popeye needs his spinach and they are his only suppliers? No? Then get the hell back on the road and act like a civil human being. That's the problem though, we are not civil humans when we get into our vehicles. It become a competition. First one there is the winner. People, we are not going to the same destinations. You will always beat me to the Wal-mart because I am not going there!

Everyday I get into my car and put myself through this modern ritual. I'm willing to bet many of you do as well. Why don't we take the train with it's own list of problems? Car pooling or going it solo, many of us are traffic addicts. We can't help getting behind the wheel. I always say I am going to leave a little earlier and help myself avoid the whole fiasco. I never seem to make it. I will spend most of my life in traffic, and it will only get worse. Pleasant thought. Perhaps it's time to purchase a bicycle.

See you all on the road tomorrow. I'll be the one waving a finger!


~Liz said...

I hear ya sister!! I may not be driving in it every day anymore but I know how you feel. I'm a passenger on the bus watching as the other cars cut off the bus and dont let us pass. And as I sit there silently fuming I have to remind myself that no I cant jump up, pull the driver out of his seat and drive the bus myself cause I think I could do a better job driving the bus through the streets of Manhatten in rush hour.

Mary - the Mouth said...

You tell them girl! I too am a traffic junkie and sometimes I swear violence is the only solution. You missed one group though, that I would like to share. What about creppers? Those people that crawl up your car's butt as if they were trying to hitch a ride. Sometimes I just want to slam on my brakes! I could use the insurance money.